“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Hello Everyone!
It has been a lifetime since I have managed to write a post and I am so pleased to be back. So much has happened since I last wrote a personal entry back in early January. We were in the heart of winter then and now are well into summer.
Truth is by the end of January my life started to fall apart, again. It seems I have had some sort of “great ordeal” happen to me at least once every year for the past few years and this year’s great ordeal came early.
Without going into detail I can say that it was a terrible time of my life, truly like a dark night of the soul – an all is lost moment. My whole world was turned upside down and my future felt so uncertain.
I am so glad to be half a year away from that time in my life but know that the events of those days will stay with me for a long time. In many ways I am still sorting through all of it but can confidently say things are hopeful and on a good path again, it’s just that with any traumatic or difficult time in life it takes time to heal.
Darkness aside there have been other changes in my life that certainly combat that darkness with their brightness.
For those of you who have been reading my posts for some time, you will know that last year almost to the date I had an entry sharing news of my miscarriage I had at that time. It was a difficult time in my life but one with many lessons about the strength to carry on.
Now, a year later, I am so happy to share with you all that I am again pregnant and feeling oh so thankful for this second chance at growing a little family (this would be my first child). At the moment I am just over 2 months pregnant and feeling hopeful for the future. Please send positive thoughts our way, every good thought makes a big difference.
My pregnancy so far has been fine, thank goodness, though of course riddled with anxiety. It’s really only been the past week or so that I have accepted things as they are and been able to relax. It was something my midwife said, “Given what happened it’s normal for you to have anxiety. It’ll be best for you to just accept the anxiety as part of the experience.”
I summarize her statement here but it was the suggestion to accept anxiety as part of the experience that really helped to release it in some way. Hearing that my feelings are normal was immensely validating.
Of course I hope for the best but I also know that only time will tell. I think in a way all of this has given me a glimpse of what parenting is like. Every good parent wants the best for their child or children and there are so many worries about what could go wrong at all stages of life but there is something about having faith in life, something about surrender, and believing that life is working out exactly as it is meant to be. I am learning to accept things, including anxiety, and to slowly release my grip on expectations so that life can have the space to work its magic and weave me into its greater tapestry.
I think of life as a collaborative effort. Something we all do in good faith and in there is also an important piece of self trust. Trusting in myself as I trust in life. Sometimes we are a mystery to ourselves, our motives, expectations, and all the rest but I think it is important to recognize the benevolence in each of us. To accept the goodness in ourselves as easily as we sometimes do the darkness.
This thought is getting convoluted but all is to say that summer is here and in the past six months I have been through hell and back and it’s been pretty strange and amazing to experience such a range of emotion in a compact period of time.
Oh yes and then there is the other big thing. My husband and I will be moving from San Diego to Texas later this year. San Diego is home, where we were both born and raised so leaving will be bitter sweet. Texas will be a whole new adventure, a fresh start that we have been craving for years. More on that in the future.
For now I will stop here noting that I will be back very soon with a book overview of my latest read: How to Solve Your Own Murder.
xoxo,
Angelica Sophia
Angelica Sophia 
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